To Accept or Change?

A week after childbirth is probably the worst time to evaluate how you can look  somewhat like the same person you were before baby.  So is a month.  Actually, it is probably never a good time to think that way.  Having a baby changes you.  Those women in advertisements who look like they did at twenty either 1.) have not had a baby, or 2.) had some “help” looking like their twenty-year-old-self again.  By help, I mean it may not be actually all…original…

Bodies age.  They are supposed to.  It was encouraging to read Rachel Jankovic’s wise words in Loving the Little Years.  She reminds women that their bodies are meant to be tools.  Tools are meant to be used, not set on display.  The culture we live in says the opposite.  They do not have the perspective that it is a blessing to give life, but instead they see it as a blessing to horde it.

There are those things that change with pregnancy that may never be quite the same again.  Many of us have some ‘battle scars’ on our bodies that probably won’t fully disappear.  Many of us will say goodbye to our youthful jeans.  If you have had a baby, you know what I am talking about.  Each woman’s body may respond differently than the next woman’s, but the bottom line I have come to is this:

1.) Accept the things you cannot change and move on.

2.) Change the things that you can and don’t wallow.

Accepting the things that cannot be changed (i.e. ‘war wounds’) has been one of the hardest things.  Yes, we live in a culture that sells beauty as a medal for importance.  However, we have to remember that as women we were created to enjoy beauty, create beauty, and the desire to feel beautiful.  It is reasonable to work through disappointment that something probably won’t be the same again.  However, we get into trouble when we start to get stuck there and feel sorry for ourselves…which often leads to depression over the circumstance.

In one of those depressed moments I remembered some helpful words from Bobbi Brown the makeup artist.  While I do not believe she comes from a biblical worldview, she does have a good perspective on beauty:  pamper the area that you dislike, but then move on and accentuate the things you do like or work on the areas you can do something about.  Cocoa Butter lotion and exfoliating are good ideas, but we can’t get stuck there.   That’s what happens to the Real Housewives of What-Ever-City who receive collagen like candy in vain attempts to go back to twenty.  They have not accepted things that are a part of living life, a part of aging, and yes, a part of the fall of man.  For those who are in Christ, we must remember that our bodies will never be perfect here on earth, but it definitely will be a different story when we reign with Christ in glorified bodies!  Trying to achieve that now on earth is…well, silly and an attempt to grasp the wind.

I was having a hard time with point 1 (trying to grasp the wind) when Bobbi Brown’s ideology dawned on me– change the things you can.  Enjoy it, too.  I realized that some of the areas that have grown lethargic from a lack of use can be changed.  Lugging my giant baby (he really is pretty big) up two stories to my apartment was the beginning of the realization that I had failed miserably all my life at achieving any sort of arm strength.  But I could change that.  There are things I could change that would be a good thing to change.  Not all health change is vanity.  Yes, it is possible to become obsessed with personal appearance, but it is also possible to think too little of one’s body.  We need to be good stewards.  We are only given one life to live for Christ– and it helps to have that body running well.

Having a very energetic baby boy has made me think about some things.  To start with, he is probably going to like to play outside a lot.  As his mother– he being the one I am called to take care of– am I healthy enough to keep up with him?  The question really is, what are the areas I can change and need to change to better fulfill and enjoy the roles God has given me in life?  Then I need to do it without feeling sorry for myself or stalling, accepting the things I cannot change and working hard at the things I can.  There is a lot of grace in that.  And also, a lot of enjoyment.

Grace and Motherhood

In anticipation of Mother’s Day and Knox’s 2 month old birthday, I started to think through the past two months of motherhood so far.  People say it goes by fast, but I think that statement is both true and false.  At my baby shower my sister wrote on a burp cloth, “The days are long but the years are short.”  There are some days when I swear I will have crazy eyes unless Josh gets home within 10 minutes.  Those are the long days, the crying-fit days when Knox’s tummy is troubled or something else unknown is going on with him.  But when I look back at March 13th, the day he was born, it seems like a distant memory.  In the moment of labor I remember thinking, “And this is the last (though first) time I’m doing labor!!!” Now, I think, “Why wouldn’t I!?”  It’s funny how time is sometimes what we need for perspective.  Time and grace.

I have seen evidences of God’s grace in our lives since day one of little man’s presence in our life.  I started having consistent, 5-minute apart contractions in church two days before he arrived.  My body just was not in the mood to hit active labor quickly, so we had two trips to the hospital only to be sent home to wait it out.  It was frustrating.  But I had to remember he was coming eventually!  The first thing I said when I saw him was, “He’s so pretty!”  Not a very masculine description of him, but he didn’t seem to mind.  We saw God’s grace in a wonderful delivery and also in the days to follow, when I caught a stomach virus 24 hours after discharge from the hospital and had to go back to the hospital, but this time to a very disorganized ER.  It was a terrible experience of a 5 hour wait to be treated (pleasant stomach virus symptoms and dehydration included), but God taught me many things in it.  It was difficult to not hold my baby for 24 hours to keep him from catching it, and Josh caught the virus shortly after me.  I think that experience was harder than labor.  But we saw God’s loving-kindness towards us through the help of my parents and the generosity of friends bringing us meals.  We needed those more than ever.  Food can definitely be a wonderful display of love!

But one of the biggest ways Josh and I marveled at God’s provision was the grace He gave to our souls.  We have never been so patient, so hopeful, so loving, as in those sickly first few days at home.  We knew it was the Lord providing grace to our souls when we could not even really ask for it.  The prayers of friends and family were very effective.

God continues to show His grace, but sometimes there are moments when I think it’s about to run out.  Those are the times when He encourages me to ask Him for help, for patience, for love…for everything we need to be spouses and parents.

Does becoming a mother change a person?  I would say it definitely does.  I had worried I would not be very maternal (people used to tell me that because I wasn’t a “gusher” over how cute babies and children are).  But I was reminded that God desires to work things in us that may not come as naturally as it does for others.  I can tell having Knox has softened my heart, making me more patient and sympathetic.  So, I am afraid I have become a bit of a softy, but I have a good hubby who tells me when it’s good to let it get the best of me.  This mother’s day, I am very grateful to the mothers in my life- my own, my mother-in-law, and other family who currently are or have gone before in mommyhood.  I am also grateful for what God has done in my heart in blessing me with this role.

p.s. I had hoped to add pictures but wordpress has been denying my attempts!

Welcome to the World!

Baby Knox was safely born March 13, 2012!  We are a bit sleep deprived over here but he is definitely worth it!

He is for Us

The past two days I have been reflecting on Psalm 131.  My mother-in-law sent me the Psalm in a card awhile back.  I can’t say I really understood the Psalm at the time.  I also recently read a little booklet by CCEF on stress, which uses the Psalm to help us understand how God desires to change our hearts in times of suffering or trials.  I still didn’t fully understand it, although I thought it was nice.

O Lord, my heart is not lifted up;
my eyes are not raised too high;
I do not occupy myself with things
too great and too marvelous for me.
² But I have calmed and quieted my soul,
like a weaned child with its mother;
like a weaned child is my soul within me.

³  O Israel, hope in the Lord
from this time forth and forevermore.

For reasons I will blog about later, the past few days have been physically painful.  My due date is this Wednesday and I know that regardless of whether baby arrives late, the end of 9 months is in sight!  But when we’re suffering– whether physically or emotionally– it is very difficult to sort through various emotions.

The Lord brought to mind Psalm 131 yesterday, especially the verse, “I do not occupy myself with things too great or too marvelous for me…”  I have been told things that have been so discouraging (as in my physical pain shouldn’t really exist…) and I have been told things that were meant to be encouraging, like how God has a plan.  I know He has a plan when we are suffering, but that does not mean we always understand it– nor should we always try to.

The past week I have been trying to figure out what God is trying to teach me and why on He thinks this is good.  We can come up with ideas, but the truth is, like Job’s friends, we aren’t always given that insight and perhaps trying to figure that out is having, “eyes that are raised high.”

David said his soul was “like a weaned child.”  The ESV study bible notes, “Just as a weaned child is content simply having his mother’s presence, so the faithful worshiper is content with God’s presence, even when there are many things he would like God to explain (such as how one’s own little story relates to the big story)…”  I loved that.  This Psalm and this explanation brought things into perspective for me.  Often we strive and strive to figure out what God is doing and we miss that He is trying to get us to be content in his presence as a worshiper, regardless of whether we can understand now what else He is doing.

My husband and I were talking today about how this past year has had many difficult circumstances.  It can be so easy to feel frustrated and confused and grow increasingly discouraged.  I have received the most peace for the past year from reading this Psalm the last two days.  We often do not understand what God is doing in our “little story” which fits into his “big story.”  But we don’t have to.  “The secret things belong to the Lord,” (Deut. 29:29).  The reason for our trials is often veiled from our eyes and are considered “secret things.”  But we can rest in God’s presence, rest in his character, and rest in the fact that somehow, strangely, He takes delight in us (Psalm 18:19).

An encouraging Matt Chandler sermon about how God delights in His children can be found here under “A Call to Pray.”

The Work of Waiting

I think I have cleaned things around our place that I never even considered cleaning before being pregnant.  Part of it could be nesting, but in the final weeks before baby-bunchkins arrives, part of it could be the need to keep busy.  The upside is that I have a clean microwave and we finally got those remaining pictures hung.

I have noticed also that there are things that I think, “If I could get *this* done before he arrives, that will be so much easier down the road…”  There is a tension between my to-do list and just wanting him to show up.  He still has a week before his official due date, but with my sister’s previous pregnancies, I have become increasingly aware how fluid a concept a due date really is.  As my mom says, the medical world has probably done women a disservice giving an official due date, as if something magical is contained within that 24-hour period.  I have heard of women having their babies on their due date, but more often than not, baby makes his way into the world on a different date.

At the doctor yesterday the nurse looked at my chart and stated, “Oh, you are due, due, due…”  She didn’t mean that this baby was going to show up today at the doctor’s office.  She just meant that the usual possibility of a baby coming is after week 37, which is full term– anything after this is “due.”  Of course, we all know, many babies decide to stay indoors a little longer.

But even if baby decides to stay some extra weeks, there is something very exciting about the possibility of today perhaps being the day (I’m sure my excitement will wane a bit after he is over due, due, due!)  It got me thinking about when Jesus returns.  Paul urged believers to look forward to this day in 1 Thessalonians (but cautions them to be wise about it in 2 Thessalonians 2).

“5 Now concerning the times and the seasons, brothers,^[a] you have no need to have anything written to you. ² For you yourselves are fully aware that the day of the Lord will come like a thief in the night. ³ While people are saying, “There is peace and security,” then sudden destruction will come upon them as labor pains come upon a pregnant woman, and they will not escape. ⁴ But you are not in darkness, brothers, for that day to surprise you like a thief. ⁵ For you are all children^[b] of light, children of the day. We are not of the night or of the darkness. ⁶ So then let us not sleep, as others do, but let us keep awake and be sober. ⁷ For those who sleep, sleep at night, and those who get drunk, are drunk at night. ⁸ But since we belong to the day, let us be sober, having put on the breastplate of faith and love, and for a helmet the hope of salvation. ⁹ For God has not destined us for wrath, but to obtain salvation through our Lord Jesus Christ, ¹⁰  who died for us so that whether we are awake or asleep we might live with him. ¹¹ Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.” 1 Thessalonians 5:1-11

Even though Paul urged believers to be busy about work in 1 Thessalonians 4:11, he has to urge them this again but in a stronger way in 2 Thessalonians 3.  Some scholars believe that perhaps the Thessalonians were so sure of the Lord’s imminent return that they stopped working (or they may have just been lazy– the truth is unknown).

^“11 For we hear that some among you walk in idleness, not busy at work, but busybodies. ¹² Now such persons we command and encourage in the Lord Jesus Christ to do their work quietly and to earn their own living.^[d]“

It is hard to wait for something good.  We should be eager for Jesus’ return!  He said He will come back as a bridegroom does for His bride.  Who wouldn’t want that!?  But in the meantime, we, as His bride, have time to prepare.  We have time to adorn ourselves with Jesus’ beauty by the work of His Spirit.  Many of us, however, will find ourselves with only one shoe on and our hair halfway done because we were so busy being idle in our spiritual lives.  We didn’t seize each day, whether the days we have been allotted before He calls us into His presence (Psalm 139:16) or the days before He comes for us.  Being prepared means being disciplined.  It means spending time in Jesus’ presences so He can make us ready.  It means being watchful how we spend our thoughts, our time, etc.  Our thoughts can actually be preparation eaters– too often we waste this time worrying about the future or what we don’t have instead of allowing the Spirit to work in us what He desires us to have (Matthew 6:33-34).  It is the tension between the longing for something and the preparing for it wisely.

Idleness typically begets frustration and impatience.  We can see this in our spiritual lives and in our everyday lived-out lives.  I remember that feeling when I was engaged.  July 17th couldn’t get here soon enough, but having things on the calendar in between definitely helped.  I think it’s very tempting during pregnancy to fall into idleness because we want baby to be here.  But there is something about the preparation time that is precious time.  Filling my calendar always stops me for a moment to consider I may not make an appointment.  But that’s okay.  I am learning that it is better to plan as if he may not be here yet, but to enjoy the idea that he may.

A Reason Behind a Choice

I’m always a little nervous as I open the door to the lobby at the crisis pregnancy center where I counsel.  I hold a folder with a woman’s name on it, but I never know who I am really about to encounter.  We ask for basic info from clients so we have a general sketch of who we will be counseling and how we can help.  But people are always more complex than a survey.  My absolute favorite thing to do at the center?  Pregnancy tests.

Sometimes I can tell if the woman coming through our doors is excited about the possibility of being pregnant or if the opposite is true.  Occasionally they hide their emotions and I have to ask point blank, “The test is positive- what do you think about that?”

One of the most common responses I hear?  “I thought so…” and they nod their head sadly.  Many cry.  For some pro-life Christians, we tend to jump ahead and counsel, “Well, a baby is a gift from the Lord, no matter how he got here!”  Before we do that, however, we have to slow down and really understand the woman.  One thing I have learned at the center is that counseling in this context involves two souls– the baby and the woman.  That is easy for me to forget when a life is on the line and I do not want a woman to make a life-changing (and life-ending) decision.  It is easy to want to focus on the baby alone.

I am learning that to really be able to counsel well, a counselor has to collect good information first.  My tendency is to rush in and remind them of truth.  But first, I am learning to listen.  In listening, I am learning the reasons — as confused as they are — behind many women’s pro-choice thinking.

First, let me state that the abortion industry’s motives and a woman’s motives for abortion are often very different and need to be treated as such. Pregnancy centers are not coddlers of Planned Parenthood; we listen to women who walk through our crisis center doors while trying to gently lead them to truth, but crisis centers do not see the need to in any way sympathize with Planned Parenthood.  Why?  Because they are a business, not a person.  Planned Parenthood has done a masterful job of convincing women that they are all about women and their futures.  They are willing to lie for women and murder to bring relief.  When a woman walks through the doors of Planned Parenthood, very few ever realize until after the fact that an abortion clinic is not their friend– it’s a money making market.  Sure, there may be sympathy at times.  But doing evil is not about the good of someone else, no matter what our motives may be.  Carol Everett is a good example of a former pro-choice abortion provider — her goal was to be a millionaire and that involved deceiving women, not really helping them.  Those who have been in the industry are not confused about their own motives, so why should we be on the other side?

For women who are considering abortions, it is their current feelings that lead them the wrong direction.  Often Satan comes to us with lies that appear to sooth our feelings.  As real as feelings are, they can lead us to wrong thinking and sinful action if we follow them.  This is the reality of abortion.  For most of the women I see who are post-abortive, their feelings led them to a choice that now they deeply regret.  Out of the many women I have sat down with in the counseling room, only about two have told me that they don’t regret their choice — and out of those 2, one was trying to convince herself that it had to be done.  But we see the brokenness in the lives of these women.  The abortion did not do what Planned Parenthood told them it would accomplish– supposed freedom from a burden they just shouldn’t have to deal with right now with a bright future ahead of them.  Instead, it shackles them and beats them every day.  Satan works that way– he promises to bring relief if we will disobey God, but just like Adam and Eve, he brings death and destruction in our lives instead.  These are haunted women, and though the news and pro-choice advocates do not broadcast the emotional aftermath of an abortion, we see it every day.

So what are some of the reasons women have abortions?  A common reason in our culture is that a woman has dreams for the future and she knows having a baby may very well end those dreams.  We can be naive, however, and assume that all women make their choice for abortion out of a purely selfish motive.  But after speaking with many women, I would say fear is actually the driving force behind many of the choices, which leads to selfishness.  Some of the most common fears?

• I have no one to take care of me.  This one is often very true.  That’s why there are crisis centers.  A center aims to provide help when a woman is very alone.  Most of us have family around us in times of crisis.  Many of these women had a boyfriend who quickly jumped ship when he heard about the pregnancy, or some women simply were sleeping around in hopes of feeling loved, but no one is permanent in their lives.  Many parents disown their daughters when they find out they are expecting.  Many never really knew their parents (especially fathers) to begin with.  If people are wanting to deny the power of a mother and a father in a child’s life, all they need to do for a reality check is to sit down for awhile in a crisis center.
• I have no money.  This one is also typically true.  Some women would rather pay a large sum upfront for an abortion than to worry about financially taking care of someone else for 18 years.  Mishandled financial stress is a leading cause of marital demise.  Think of the added pressure on a single parent who is already scraping together what she can.  Of course, many women are without money because of bad choices like alcohol or drug abuse.  But some were born in poverty and getting out isn’t as easy as middle class America would like to claim it is.  For those of us born outside of poverty, we do not understand how trapped and hopeless these women may feel.
• I don’t want to be like my family.  This one is often linked to the one above.  A woman may see her sister struggle with many fatherless children (or children with multiple fathers) and not want that life.  She may be in college and plans to have a career to escape her circumstances; taking care of a baby might end that.
• I don’t want my life for my child.  It took me awhile to figure out why women were so much against adoption.  If they didn’t want to keep their child, I told them there are so many parents out there who do!  Often, I was implying the wrong motive for them.  Finally a young woman explained to me that she grew up in foster homes where she was abused.  She said she would rather a child never have life outside the womb than to go through what she went through.  After thinking about that, I began to understand her better — as twisted as her desired decision was, she was already trying to protect her child by ending his life to spare him the misery she had endured.

Once I began to see these common trends in their reasoning, I realized that many women make a choice to abort because of fear.  Even the selfish fear of laying down a dream for another is still a very real fear.  And fear can lead us to do things we never thought we were capable of doing.  Most women would say they would never murder anyone innocent… until that person risked their well-being or future.

Not all pro-choicers are like this.  Like I stated before, many of them have evil motives or evil reasoning.  But many of the women who have actually had abortions were (are) scared.  I am all for pro-life rallies, but I grow concerned when pro-life advocates make this simply a baby issue and not a person issue.  Both the mother and the child are created in the image of God and the mother should not be forgotten in our endeavor to save the unborn.  She needs to know that someone cares.

Ultimately, every woman coming through the crisis center doors needs to know that Jesus desires to save them.  If we don’t believe this because we are angry at their sin, we must check our self-righteous hearts.  We are sinners who make selfish choices.  We need the grace of the gospel to transform us.  We need the comfort of the Father in times of distress.  We need forgiveness and hope.  These women need no less.  As followers of Christ, we have been given the task of displaying Christ to the world in word and deed.  They need to see the hands and feet of Jesus.  It’s not enough to correct their wrong thinking; they often need a motherly or sisterly figure to step in and show hope by providing something as simple as diapers or clothes.  These necessities we can take for granted, but these are sometimes the lacking things that drive women to despair.

The task before us as disciples of Jesus is to proclaim and display the gospel to a fearful world.  This involves ministering to the souls of women who are vulnerable or hardened.  In so doing, we may be used not only to save a life but also souls.

Where Are You Called?

“Perhaps it is easier to recognize that our blessings belong to the Lord than it is to recognize that he owns our suffering.  If you watch someone suffer, you will see that we tend to treat suffering as something that belongs to us, something we can respond to as we please.  We tend to turn it in on ourselves.  Our world shrinks to the size of our pain.  We want little more than release, and we tend to be irritable and demanding…

A whole host of self-absorbed temptations greet us when we treat suffering as something that belongs to us.  This passage [1 Corinthians 1:3-11] reminds us that our suffering belongs to the Lord.  It is an instrument of his purpose in us and for others.  The way we suffer must put Christ on center stage.  The Redeemer owns our disappointment and fear.  He owns our physical and spiritual pain.  He owns those crushing past experiences.  He owns our rejection and aloneness.  He owns our dashed expectations and broken dreams.  It all belongs to him for his purpose.  When we feel like dying, he calls us to a greater death.  He calls us to die to our suffering so that we may live for him.

This is not a call to some creepy form of Christian stoicism.  It is a call to bring the full range of our suffering to him.  We are to weep loudly and mourn fully before him, knowing that true comfort can only be found at his feet.  We are to place our mourning in his hands, to be used for his purposes in our lives and the lives of others.  And it is a promise of comfort from the God who is the source of it all…

We must also ask ourselves, ‘Where has God called me to suffer?  How has God used people to make his comfort known to me?  What have they said and done?  How can I use my experience to comfort others?  How can I tell my story in a way that gives hope, rooted in the reality of Christ’s presence and love?’” (Paul David Tripp, 153-155)

I have been mulling over these words the past few days since reading this in Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands.  I had never thought of suffering in this way.  I agree with him that it is easy to view suffering much different than blessings — we believe blessings come from the hand of God, but it rarely crosses our minds that God would call us to suffer in some area of life.  If we were honest, we would blame all suffering on Satan (or other people — rarely ourselves, though).  But while Satan had his hand in suffering in righteous Job’s life, God had called Job to suffer.  If he hadn’t, it would not have been allowed by a Sovereign God who is King over all, including Satan.

It is humbling to admit that we may be called to suffer.  We want vindication for our suffering — for God to deliver us immediately.  The pain in the moment does not feel like it is for our good.  But if we doubt that God is working it this way, how can we fully apply Romans 8:28 in all seasons of life?

Today I was praying about some particular areas of hardship in life right now.  Sometimes it seems like the old saying, “When it rains, it pours” is too true.  But if I sit around and think about that saying, I begin to feel sorry for myself and question God in the midst of my circumstances.  This often leads to anger over suffering, sometimes even hidden anger.  As Robert D. Jones points out, “Anger against God is wrong because it accuses God of wrongdoing.  To be angry with God is to perceive some wrong in God, to apprehend some evil in his ways.”  When we experience that anger, we know our thinking has gone awry because their is no evil in God.

When we suffer, we often view things backwards.  So while praying for relief for awhile today, God nudged my heart with this question:  What if He wanted this circumstance in my life, even though I don’t understand why?  While I have been wanting Him to change the suffering into triumph (my idea of it at least), He desires to use it for his purposes — true triumph.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Isn’t He a Genius!?

Parenting Magazine is pretty insistent that I receive their monthly editions.  I can’t say it started as their fault.  It really came about with me trying to be too nice instead of saying  ‘no thanks.’   The hubby and I were in a maternity store, and as protocol now, they wanted all my information.  I was hesitant to give it but was told we would receive coupons.  I figured it was worth it as long as they didn’t stalk me.  Before the clerk slid our debit card, she said rather nonchalantly, “And you will be receiving a year’s subscription of Parenting Magazine.  The first issue is free.  After that, your debit card will be automatically charged $20 unless you cancel.”  Piracy, I tell you.  I was too nice to say no, however.  More like, I was too cowardly because I didn’t want the clerk to be irritated with me.  Lesson learned: nicely but firmly say, “No thanks, please remove me.”  It’s usually more of a hassle to get out of that sort of thing and, as suspected, I was charged $20 in record time even though I waited for the first edition to cancel.

Well, they reimbursed me my $20 but the issues just keep coming.  My mom is getting them, too.  Perhaps this is some kind of sales tactic?  Either way, when I open my mailbox and see it I kind of grimace.  I hate to poo-poo a magazine, but from a biblical worldview on parenting, some of the content is disturbing.  The only thing I found helpful in this edition was a short blip about identifying what “my head hurts” might actually mean.

Living in an affluent city, the main theme of the magazine was nothing new.  The title at the top reads, “It’s our first ever genius issue!” and the magazine includes an article entitled, “Raise the Next Steve Jobs.”  There’s even a miniature of him on the cover.  This magazine might sell big-time because of several reasons.

First, as a teacher I have been in a circle for a few years that has let me peek into parents’ greatest fears.  I received emails about how their children are doing and whether they are clever enough, keeping up, etc, etc.  I have sat down with a mother who appeared near nervous breakdown because her son did not excel in grammar (let’s face it, grammar can be boring…)  I remember the conversation went something like the following, with her exclaiming:

“He just hates grammar- no offense!”

“I’m not offended.  It’s not exactly the most riveting topic, and some kids find it natural while others have to really work at it, like I did.  What does your son enjoy?”

“History stuff.”

“If you are concerned about his writing, have him write on what he enjoys.  If he loves history, encourage that.  Not everyone has to be a grammar guru, and he can grow in grammar by working on things he enjoys.”

She was encouraged that I didn’t say her son was hopeless and completely stupid, but I could tell she was still very concerned.  Sure, he was lazy at times.  That didn’t help his cause.  But…he just was not really that great at grammar.   Parents are told today that their child needs to excel in all areas or they and their child are failures.  The mantra, “You can do anything!” entitles their child to A+ grades in all subjects or their kid must have a learning disability.  The truth is, God created each person with different talents and interests, and no where is it written that each person must succeed in all areas– not to mention be a genius.  I have had to comfort parents in the past that every child is good at something– but rarely, if ever, everything.  Those are god-sized expectations of people.

Second, many parents want their child to be a genius out of pride for themselves.  We have all seem those movies in which dad has put enormous pressure on his son to win the state championship football game.  We think to ourselves, “What a loser dad living vicariously through his son…and that poor kid!”  But what we often fail to miss is that the same pride is just as present in our own hearts when we use others to feel a sense of success, achievement, or worth.  This may be through a spouse, or as I am finding out more and more each day, through babies.  I had no idea the competition was on even before I got pregnant.  Apparently mommy wars really begin the moment you consider having children.  From that point onward, being first and best is the goal.

I recently was standing with a group of young moms, listening to them talk about their children.  They were all convinced their child was a genius.  Of course, deep down, I’m just sure mine will be, too.  I know I have yet to experience mother’s pride since our baby is still in utero, but I made a mental note how harmful these conversations can be.  While some mom’s are competing over whose baby is the smartest, cutest, you-name it, others are just happy their baby made it into the world.  Some babies are born without the abilities to do the things moms often brag about.  And that has to be hard for those moms.

This morning as I was thinking about my own temptation to be competitive, I realized that when women are competing over their babies–and children– they really have lost sight of the personhood of their baby.  Instead of viewing each child made in God’s image with a soul and person, a child is being used as a vehicle for self-exaltation.  Comparison among women is really just that– a fight over who will sit on the throne in mommy-world.  We lose sight that it is God who plans our individual paths and God alone who should sit on the throne.  It was a good lesson for me today as I continue getting everything ready for our baby, a little soul we are entrusted with to nurture but not to use.

Paranoia and Motherhood

I have been told that if you’re a worrier now, just wait until you have children.  Until I became pregnant, I never really understood.  Now I’m looking around the apartment for all possible dangers, including the bookcase I need my husband to secure against the wall.  Horror stories abound, but even more so, words like “maybe” and “possibly” become truth facts to us, stirring up paranoia.

So I’m going to do it.  I’m going to write on a taboo subject.  It seems illegal now to not breastfeed, but I’ll exercise my freedom of speech on the blogsphere…

For various reasons (some too personal to share) the hubby and I decided not to breastfeed baby #1.  I knew going into this that I was surely going to be lampooned for such a decision.  My mom said it used to be the opposite– if you breastfed, people looked down on you.  Now, if you use formula, you are a bad mommy who is giving her child “Sub-par nutrition.”  Any yes, someone actually said that to me.

Let’s face it: we all know breastmilk is the natural route and God was good when He created the ability to produce food from our own bodies for our babies.  There are great benefits to breastfeeding.  Even though I’m not on the wagon this time around, I will surely admit to that and encourage other women to breastfeed if they desire.  But formula is still nutritious for babies.  So is breast “best”?  It depends.

So I decided to do my own little survey simply based on personal experience by mommies I have encountered.  I have noticed that some women love breastfeeding their babies.  They love encouraging others to do the same.  They use stats about how your child may be smarter later because of it.  But is that always the case?  No.  Other variables are often not included in breastfeeding research results.  It’s possible that breastfed babies more likely stay home with mothers who have more time to teach their children to track objects and learn their ABC’s.  Babies on formula may more often be taken to day care where they do not get individual attention in the same way.  They may not develop certain cognitive skills as quickly.  Does the food factor in with this?  Not really.  There are always multiple variables that need to be considered before going on a crusade.  It’s the same with the possibility that children have less healthy immune systems if they are formula-fed.  Yet we all know those kids who were breastfed past one year old and they are sick all the time.  Then there is little Tommy who was on formula and has an iron-strong immune system.  How can this be?  We have to consider once again variables.  Is breastmilk better?  Anything natural is typically better for you (except poisonous mushrooms), but it does not guarantee good health.  Breastfed and formula-fed babies alike both sometimes sadly die of SIDS.  To scare mothers into breastfeeding because of “maybe” ideas is fear-driven and possibly, manipulative.

It has been important for me to slow down and look at reality.  Those who are forceful about breastfeeding have told me “maybe” statistics–such as, breastfeeding moms may be less likely to develop breast cancer later.  But those are actually just theories with multiple variables not really considered.

I do know one thing.  There are mothers who about tore their hair out attempting to breastfeed, but for various reasons, it was difficult or impossible for them.  I have spoken with and heard of many moms who felt extreme guilt for not breastfeeding.  And why shouldn’t they?  When a midwife tells me that she wouldn’t deliver my baby if I wasn’t willing to breastfeed (because I would be giving him “sub-par nutrition”), women have crossed the line from sensible advice to moralizing personal preferences.  It is amazing how much fear and guilt is driven by women making their personal preferences law.  We must remember that the Bible gives us truth for what a good mother is, and it really has nothing to do with cloth or disposable diapers.

A Few of my Favorite Things

I am going on 33 weeks into my pregnancy and with the exception of some issues here and there, it has been a relatively easy pregnancy though tiring.  But of course, I still sulk at times that I don’t feel like doing things.  Because I don’t.  In those moments, I have flashbacks to when I was about five years old and it would take me forever and a day to motivate if I were hungry or overtired.  I think hormones now have a lot to do with it (2nd trimester I was so energetic, but now the opposite is occurring), but sometimes life is just making yourself do things when your body and mind want to revolt.

Yet, true confession: sometimes bribing myself helps (back to my five year old self…)

When I know it’s going to be a long, hard day, I look forward to going through the drive thru afterwards for a snack sized one of these:

I justify it by telling myself the baby wants it.  I know he already loves M&Ms…. Or, surprisingly, every afternoon around 3:00pm I look forward to a cold glass of milk.  We’re not talking skim, either.

Aside from having to bribe myself at times (“As soon as you finish grading papers, you can get that glass of milk…”) there have been some little joys in life-  some that were definitely worth the investment, like a Boppy Body Pillow:

That’s not me pictured, but I’m snuggled into my pillow just the same.  I’m typically a cheap-skate when it comes to, well, anything, but my husband convinced me to buy the pillow after tossing around the first four months.  We both needed some sleep.  I also found that taking a shower before bed and scrubbing down with a loofah sponge is pretty much as wonderful as a back rub.  I don’t know why the rough surface feels good, but it’s one of those little joys that I look forward to.  I have also had pretty bad heartburn, and a glass of milk before bed seems to help with that and ensuring I don’t wake up at 3am with a sugar drop.  With all this heartburn, this child better have some hair at birth, or he has some explaining to do!!

A few of my least favorite things?  High heels (oops…didn’t think that one through before I wore a pair to a wedding a month ago and felt nerve pain for a couple of weeks after!) and maternity jeans.  Jeans are usually a staple for me, but a pair that actually fits and does not suction are few and far between.  I haven’t been able to find that with maternity jeans.  The waistbands often fall down creating a very unattractive, droopy back side.  Around 25 weeks I began to lament to my husband that I was getting bigger and didn’t know what I was going to wear (it was very dramatic).  I set out on a hunt to find the perfect pair of maternity jeans…and walked away empty handed.  However, I did find these:

One of the most helpful articles of clothing I have bought while pregnant has been maternity yoga pants from Old Navy.  At $20 on sale, they have been well beyond worth it.  I don’t actually do yoga– I bought the pants for their capacity to masquerade as other things, like dress pants.  I wear them with long sweaters or shirts that cover the backside and have them loose enough to not cling on the thigh– and no one knows they are yoga pants!!  They can be worn with a dress boot or a tennis shoe depending on the occasion.

One of the most difficult things I have experienced with pregnancy hasn’t necessarily been the dramatic body morphing or physical symptoms, though those have been interesting.  I have struggled the most with focus limitations.  The first trimester I found it very hard to pray because my ability to really focus on something began to decline.  It came back around 2nd trimester and I was excited because I could read, pray, and be productive.  But these past few weeks I know it has been declining again.  Sometimes it’s because I’m hungry but I’m tired of eating.  Other times it’s because I wake up so often through the night that my brain is mush during the day.  I know the hormone levels are getting wacky again (example: why do I currently hate everything?)

I grow frustrated with myself and assume God must be, too.  But then I am reminded that first, because of Jesus I am already accepted before God.  From this flows a sigh of relief from my own expectations.  And second, I am reminded that God created me and He knows what is going on with my body.  He’s not surprised my brain isn’t functioning as it does with a full 8 hours of sleep.  This doesn’t excuse my sin, of course, but it does remind me that while Jesus was without sin, He was also tired while on earth and He can understand.  Meditating on these truths brings relief from the slave driving I often produce in myself from expectations God doesn’t even have of me!