A Reason Behind a Choice

I’m always a little nervous as I open the door to the lobby at the crisis pregnancy center where I counsel.  I hold a folder with a woman’s name on it, but I never know who I am really about to encounter.  We ask for basic info from clients so we have a general sketch of who we will be counseling and how we can help.  But people are always more complex than a survey.  My absolute favorite thing to do at the center?  Pregnancy tests.

Sometimes I can tell if the woman coming through our doors is excited about the possibility of being pregnant or if the opposite is true.  Occasionally they hide their emotions and I have to ask point blank, “The test is positive- what do you think about that?”

One of the most common responses I hear?  “I thought so…” and they nod their head sadly.  Many cry.  For some pro-life Christians, we tend to jump ahead and counsel, “Well, a baby is a gift from the Lord, no matter how he got here!”  Before we do that, however, we have to slow down and really understand the woman.  One thing I have learned at the center is that counseling in this context involves two souls– the baby and the woman.  That is easy for me to forget when a life is on the line and I do not want a woman to make a life-changing (and life-ending) decision.  It is easy to want to focus on the baby alone.

I am learning that to really be able to counsel well, a counselor has to collect good information first.  My tendency is to rush in and remind them of truth.  But first, I am learning to listen.  In listening, I am learning the reasons — as confused as they are — behind many women’s pro-choice thinking.

First, let me state that the abortion industry’s motives and a woman’s motives for abortion are often very different and need to be treated as such. Pregnancy centers are not coddlers of Planned Parenthood; we listen to women who walk through our crisis center doors while trying to gently lead them to truth, but crisis centers do not see the need to in any way sympathize with Planned Parenthood.  Why?  Because they are a business, not a person.  Planned Parenthood has done a masterful job of convincing women that they are all about women and their futures.  They are willing to lie for women and murder to bring relief.  When a woman walks through the doors of Planned Parenthood, very few ever realize until after the fact that an abortion clinic is not their friend– it’s a money making market.  Sure, there may be sympathy at times.  But doing evil is not about the good of someone else, no matter what our motives may be.  Carol Everett is a good example of a former pro-choice abortion provider — her goal was to be a millionaire and that involved deceiving women, not really helping them.  Those who have been in the industry are not confused about their own motives, so why should we be on the other side?

For women who are considering abortions, it is their current feelings that lead them the wrong direction.  Often Satan comes to us with lies that appear to sooth our feelings.  As real as feelings are, they can lead us to wrong thinking and sinful action if we follow them.  This is the reality of abortion.  For most of the women I see who are post-abortive, their feelings led them to a choice that now they deeply regret.  Out of the many women I have sat down with in the counseling room, only about two have told me that they don’t regret their choice — and out of those 2, one was trying to convince herself that it had to be done.  But we see the brokenness in the lives of these women.  The abortion did not do what Planned Parenthood told them it would accomplish– supposed freedom from a burden they just shouldn’t have to deal with right now with a bright future ahead of them.  Instead, it shackles them and beats them every day.  Satan works that way– he promises to bring relief if we will disobey God, but just like Adam and Eve, he brings death and destruction in our lives instead.  These are haunted women, and though the news and pro-choice advocates do not broadcast the emotional aftermath of an abortion, we see it every day.

So what are some of the reasons women have abortions?  A common reason in our culture is that a woman has dreams for the future and she knows having a baby may very well end those dreams.  We can be naive, however, and assume that all women make their choice for abortion out of a purely selfish motive.  But after speaking with many women, I would say fear is actually the driving force behind many of the choices, which leads to selfishness.  Some of the most common fears?

• I have no one to take care of me.  This one is often very true.  That’s why there are crisis centers.  A center aims to provide help when a woman is very alone.  Most of us have family around us in times of crisis.  Many of these women had a boyfriend who quickly jumped ship when he heard about the pregnancy, or some women simply were sleeping around in hopes of feeling loved, but no one is permanent in their lives.  Many parents disown their daughters when they find out they are expecting.  Many never really knew their parents (especially fathers) to begin with.  If people are wanting to deny the power of a mother and a father in a child’s life, all they need to do for a reality check is to sit down for awhile in a crisis center.
• I have no money.  This one is also typically true.  Some women would rather pay a large sum upfront for an abortion than to worry about financially taking care of someone else for 18 years.  Mishandled financial stress is a leading cause of marital demise.  Think of the added pressure on a single parent who is already scraping together what she can.  Of course, many women are without money because of bad choices like alcohol or drug abuse.  But some were born in poverty and getting out isn’t as easy as middle class America would like to claim it is.  For those of us born outside of poverty, we do not understand how trapped and hopeless these women may feel.
• I don’t want to be like my family.  This one is often linked to the one above.  A woman may see her sister struggle with many fatherless children (or children with multiple fathers) and not want that life.  She may be in college and plans to have a career to escape her circumstances; taking care of a baby might end that.
• I don’t want my life for my child.  It took me awhile to figure out why women were so much against adoption.  If they didn’t want to keep their child, I told them there are so many parents out there who do!  Often, I was implying the wrong motive for them.  Finally a young woman explained to me that she grew up in foster homes where she was abused.  She said she would rather a child never have life outside the womb than to go through what she went through.  After thinking about that, I began to understand her better — as twisted as her desired decision was, she was already trying to protect her child by ending his life to spare him the misery she had endured.

Once I began to see these common trends in their reasoning, I realized that many women make a choice to abort because of fear.  Even the selfish fear of laying down a dream for another is still a very real fear.  And fear can lead us to do things we never thought we were capable of doing.  Most women would say they would never murder anyone innocent… until that person risked their well-being or future.

Not all pro-choicers are like this.  Like I stated before, many of them have evil motives or evil reasoning.  But many of the women who have actually had abortions were (are) scared.  I am all for pro-life rallies, but I grow concerned when pro-life advocates make this simply a baby issue and not a person issue.  Both the mother and the child are created in the image of God and the mother should not be forgotten in our endeavor to save the unborn.  She needs to know that someone cares.

Ultimately, every woman coming through the crisis center doors needs to know that Jesus desires to save them.  If we don’t believe this because we are angry at their sin, we must check our self-righteous hearts.  We are sinners who make selfish choices.  We need the grace of the gospel to transform us.  We need the comfort of the Father in times of distress.  We need forgiveness and hope.  These women need no less.  As followers of Christ, we have been given the task of displaying Christ to the world in word and deed.  They need to see the hands and feet of Jesus.  It’s not enough to correct their wrong thinking; they often need a motherly or sisterly figure to step in and show hope by providing something as simple as diapers or clothes.  These necessities we can take for granted, but these are sometimes the lacking things that drive women to despair.

The task before us as disciples of Jesus is to proclaim and display the gospel to a fearful world.  This involves ministering to the souls of women who are vulnerable or hardened.  In so doing, we may be used not only to save a life but also souls.

Where Are You Called?

“Perhaps it is easier to recognize that our blessings belong to the Lord than it is to recognize that he owns our suffering.  If you watch someone suffer, you will see that we tend to treat suffering as something that belongs to us, something we can respond to as we please.  We tend to turn it in on ourselves.  Our world shrinks to the size of our pain.  We want little more than release, and we tend to be irritable and demanding…

A whole host of self-absorbed temptations greet us when we treat suffering as something that belongs to us.  This passage [1 Corinthians 1:3-11] reminds us that our suffering belongs to the Lord.  It is an instrument of his purpose in us and for others.  The way we suffer must put Christ on center stage.  The Redeemer owns our disappointment and fear.  He owns our physical and spiritual pain.  He owns those crushing past experiences.  He owns our rejection and aloneness.  He owns our dashed expectations and broken dreams.  It all belongs to him for his purpose.  When we feel like dying, he calls us to a greater death.  He calls us to die to our suffering so that we may live for him.

This is not a call to some creepy form of Christian stoicism.  It is a call to bring the full range of our suffering to him.  We are to weep loudly and mourn fully before him, knowing that true comfort can only be found at his feet.  We are to place our mourning in his hands, to be used for his purposes in our lives and the lives of others.  And it is a promise of comfort from the God who is the source of it all…

We must also ask ourselves, ‘Where has God called me to suffer?  How has God used people to make his comfort known to me?  What have they said and done?  How can I use my experience to comfort others?  How can I tell my story in a way that gives hope, rooted in the reality of Christ’s presence and love?’” (Paul David Tripp, 153-155)

I have been mulling over these words the past few days since reading this in Instruments in the Redeemer’s Hands.  I had never thought of suffering in this way.  I agree with him that it is easy to view suffering much different than blessings — we believe blessings come from the hand of God, but it rarely crosses our minds that God would call us to suffer in some area of life.  If we were honest, we would blame all suffering on Satan (or other people — rarely ourselves, though).  But while Satan had his hand in suffering in righteous Job’s life, God had called Job to suffer.  If he hadn’t, it would not have been allowed by a Sovereign God who is King over all, including Satan.

It is humbling to admit that we may be called to suffer.  We want vindication for our suffering — for God to deliver us immediately.  The pain in the moment does not feel like it is for our good.  But if we doubt that God is working it this way, how can we fully apply Romans 8:28 in all seasons of life?

Today I was praying about some particular areas of hardship in life right now.  Sometimes it seems like the old saying, “When it rains, it pours” is too true.  But if I sit around and think about that saying, I begin to feel sorry for myself and question God in the midst of my circumstances.  This often leads to anger over suffering, sometimes even hidden anger.  As Robert D. Jones points out, “Anger against God is wrong because it accuses God of wrongdoing.  To be angry with God is to perceive some wrong in God, to apprehend some evil in his ways.”  When we experience that anger, we know our thinking has gone awry because their is no evil in God.

When we suffer, we often view things backwards.  So while praying for relief for awhile today, God nudged my heart with this question:  What if He wanted this circumstance in my life, even though I don’t understand why?  While I have been wanting Him to change the suffering into triumph (my idea of it at least), He desires to use it for his purposes — true triumph.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, ⁴ who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God. ⁵ For just as we share abundantly in the sufferings of Christ, so also our comfort abounds through Christ.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-5

Isn’t He a Genius!?

Parenting Magazine is pretty insistent that I receive their monthly editions.  I can’t say it started as their fault.  It really came about with me trying to be too nice instead of saying  ‘no thanks.’   The hubby and I were in a maternity store, and as protocol now, they wanted all my information.  I was hesitant to give it but was told we would receive coupons.  I figured it was worth it as long as they didn’t stalk me.  Before the clerk slid our debit card, she said rather nonchalantly, “And you will be receiving a year’s subscription of Parenting Magazine.  The first issue is free.  After that, your debit card will be automatically charged $20 unless you cancel.”  Piracy, I tell you.  I was too nice to say no, however.  More like, I was too cowardly because I didn’t want the clerk to be irritated with me.  Lesson learned: nicely but firmly say, “No thanks, please remove me.”  It’s usually more of a hassle to get out of that sort of thing and, as suspected, I was charged $20 in record time even though I waited for the first edition to cancel.

Well, they reimbursed me my $20 but the issues just keep coming.  My mom is getting them, too.  Perhaps this is some kind of sales tactic?  Either way, when I open my mailbox and see it I kind of grimace.  I hate to poo-poo a magazine, but from a biblical worldview on parenting, some of the content is disturbing.  The only thing I found helpful in this edition was a short blip about identifying what “my head hurts” might actually mean.

Living in an affluent city, the main theme of the magazine was nothing new.  The title at the top reads, “It’s our first ever genius issue!” and the magazine includes an article entitled, “Raise the Next Steve Jobs.”  There’s even a miniature of him on the cover.  This magazine might sell big-time because of several reasons.

First, as a teacher I have been in a circle for a few years that has let me peek into parents’ greatest fears.  I received emails about how their children are doing and whether they are clever enough, keeping up, etc, etc.  I have sat down with a mother who appeared near nervous breakdown because her son did not excel in grammar (let’s face it, grammar can be boring…)  I remember the conversation went something like the following, with her exclaiming:

“He just hates grammar- no offense!”

“I’m not offended.  It’s not exactly the most riveting topic, and some kids find it natural while others have to really work at it, like I did.  What does your son enjoy?”

“History stuff.”

“If you are concerned about his writing, have him write on what he enjoys.  If he loves history, encourage that.  Not everyone has to be a grammar guru, and he can grow in grammar by working on things he enjoys.”

She was encouraged that I didn’t say her son was hopeless and completely stupid, but I could tell she was still very concerned.  Sure, he was lazy at times.  That didn’t help his cause.  But…he just was not really that great at grammar.   Parents are told today that their child needs to excel in all areas or they and their child are failures.  The mantra, “You can do anything!” entitles their child to A+ grades in all subjects or their kid must have a learning disability.  The truth is, God created each person with different talents and interests, and no where is it written that each person must succeed in all areas– not to mention be a genius.  I have had to comfort parents in the past that every child is good at something– but rarely, if ever, everything.  Those are god-sized expectations of people.

Second, many parents want their child to be a genius out of pride for themselves.  We have all seem those movies in which dad has put enormous pressure on his son to win the state championship football game.  We think to ourselves, “What a loser dad living vicariously through his son…and that poor kid!”  But what we often fail to miss is that the same pride is just as present in our own hearts when we use others to feel a sense of success, achievement, or worth.  This may be through a spouse, or as I am finding out more and more each day, through babies.  I had no idea the competition was on even before I got pregnant.  Apparently mommy wars really begin the moment you consider having children.  From that point onward, being first and best is the goal.

I recently was standing with a group of young moms, listening to them talk about their children.  They were all convinced their child was a genius.  Of course, deep down, I’m just sure mine will be, too.  I know I have yet to experience mother’s pride since our baby is still in utero, but I made a mental note how harmful these conversations can be.  While some mom’s are competing over whose baby is the smartest, cutest, you-name it, others are just happy their baby made it into the world.  Some babies are born without the abilities to do the things moms often brag about.  And that has to be hard for those moms.

This morning as I was thinking about my own temptation to be competitive, I realized that when women are competing over their babies–and children– they really have lost sight of the personhood of their baby.  Instead of viewing each child made in God’s image with a soul and person, a child is being used as a vehicle for self-exaltation.  Comparison among women is really just that– a fight over who will sit on the throne in mommy-world.  We lose sight that it is God who plans our individual paths and God alone who should sit on the throne.  It was a good lesson for me today as I continue getting everything ready for our baby, a little soul we are entrusted with to nurture but not to use.

Paranoia and Motherhood

I have been told that if you’re a worrier now, just wait until you have children.  Until I became pregnant, I never really understood.  Now I’m looking around the apartment for all possible dangers, including the bookcase I need my husband to secure against the wall.  Horror stories abound, but even more so, words like “maybe” and “possibly” become truth facts to us, stirring up paranoia.

So I’m going to do it.  I’m going to write on a taboo subject.  It seems illegal now to not breastfeed, but I’ll exercise my freedom of speech on the blogsphere…

For various reasons (some too personal to share) the hubby and I decided not to breastfeed baby #1.  I knew going into this that I was surely going to be lampooned for such a decision.  My mom said it used to be the opposite– if you breastfed, people looked down on you.  Now, if you use formula, you are a bad mommy who is giving her child “Sub-par nutrition.”  Any yes, someone actually said that to me.

Let’s face it: we all know breastmilk is the natural route and God was good when He created the ability to produce food from our own bodies for our babies.  There are great benefits to breastfeeding.  Even though I’m not on the wagon this time around, I will surely admit to that and encourage other women to breastfeed if they desire.  But formula is still nutritious for babies.  So is breast “best”?  It depends.

So I decided to do my own little survey simply based on personal experience by mommies I have encountered.  I have noticed that some women love breastfeeding their babies.  They love encouraging others to do the same.  They use stats about how your child may be smarter later because of it.  But is that always the case?  No.  Other variables are often not included in breastfeeding research results.  It’s possible that breastfed babies more likely stay home with mothers who have more time to teach their children to track objects and learn their ABC’s.  Babies on formula may more often be taken to day care where they do not get individual attention in the same way.  They may not develop certain cognitive skills as quickly.  Does the food factor in with this?  Not really.  There are always multiple variables that need to be considered before going on a crusade.  It’s the same with the possibility that children have less healthy immune systems if they are formula-fed.  Yet we all know those kids who were breastfed past one year old and they are sick all the time.  Then there is little Tommy who was on formula and has an iron-strong immune system.  How can this be?  We have to consider once again variables.  Is breastmilk better?  Anything natural is typically better for you (except poisonous mushrooms), but it does not guarantee good health.  Breastfed and formula-fed babies alike both sometimes sadly die of SIDS.  To scare mothers into breastfeeding because of “maybe” ideas is fear-driven and possibly, manipulative.

It has been important for me to slow down and look at reality.  Those who are forceful about breastfeeding have told me “maybe” statistics–such as, breastfeeding moms may be less likely to develop breast cancer later.  But those are actually just theories with multiple variables not really considered.

I do know one thing.  There are mothers who about tore their hair out attempting to breastfeed, but for various reasons, it was difficult or impossible for them.  I have spoken with and heard of many moms who felt extreme guilt for not breastfeeding.  And why shouldn’t they?  When a midwife tells me that she wouldn’t deliver my baby if I wasn’t willing to breastfeed (because I would be giving him “sub-par nutrition”), women have crossed the line from sensible advice to moralizing personal preferences.  It is amazing how much fear and guilt is driven by women making their personal preferences law.  We must remember that the Bible gives us truth for what a good mother is, and it really has nothing to do with cloth or disposable diapers.