Isn’t He a Genius!?

Parenting Magazine is pretty insistent that I receive their monthly editions.  I can’t say it started as their fault.  It really came about with me trying to be too nice instead of saying  ‘no thanks.’   The hubby and I were in a maternity store, and as protocol now, they wanted all my information.  I was hesitant to give it but was told we would receive coupons.  I figured it was worth it as long as they didn’t stalk me.  Before the clerk slid our debit card, she said rather nonchalantly, “And you will be receiving a year’s subscription of Parenting Magazine.  The first issue is free.  After that, your debit card will be automatically charged $20 unless you cancel.”  Piracy, I tell you.  I was too nice to say no, however.  More like, I was too cowardly because I didn’t want the clerk to be irritated with me.  Lesson learned: nicely but firmly say, “No thanks, please remove me.”  It’s usually more of a hassle to get out of that sort of thing and, as suspected, I was charged $20 in record time even though I waited for the first edition to cancel.

Well, they reimbursed me my $20 but the issues just keep coming.  My mom is getting them, too.  Perhaps this is some kind of sales tactic?  Either way, when I open my mailbox and see it I kind of grimace.  I hate to poo-poo a magazine, but from a biblical worldview on parenting, some of the content is disturbing.  The only thing I found helpful in this edition was a short blip about identifying what “my head hurts” might actually mean.

Living in an affluent city, the main theme of the magazine was nothing new.  The title at the top reads, “It’s our first ever genius issue!” and the magazine includes an article entitled, “Raise the Next Steve Jobs.”  There’s even a miniature of him on the cover.  This magazine might sell big-time because of several reasons.

First, as a teacher I have been in a circle for a few years that has let me peek into parents’ greatest fears.  I received emails about how their children are doing and whether they are clever enough, keeping up, etc, etc.  I have sat down with a mother who appeared near nervous breakdown because her son did not excel in grammar (let’s face it, grammar can be boring…)  I remember the conversation went something like the following, with her exclaiming:

“He just hates grammar- no offense!”

“I’m not offended.  It’s not exactly the most riveting topic, and some kids find it natural while others have to really work at it, like I did.  What does your son enjoy?”

“History stuff.”

“If you are concerned about his writing, have him write on what he enjoys.  If he loves history, encourage that.  Not everyone has to be a grammar guru, and he can grow in grammar by working on things he enjoys.”

She was encouraged that I didn’t say her son was hopeless and completely stupid, but I could tell she was still very concerned.  Sure, he was lazy at times.  That didn’t help his cause.  But…he just was not really that great at grammar.   Parents are told today that their child needs to excel in all areas or they and their child are failures.  The mantra, “You can do anything!” entitles their child to A+ grades in all subjects or their kid must have a learning disability.  The truth is, God created each person with different talents and interests, and no where is it written that each person must succeed in all areas– not to mention be a genius.  I have had to comfort parents in the past that every child is good at something– but rarely, if ever, everything.  Those are god-sized expectations of people.

Second, many parents want their child to be a genius out of pride for themselves.  We have all seem those movies in which dad has put enormous pressure on his son to win the state championship football game.  We think to ourselves, “What a loser dad living vicariously through his son…and that poor kid!”  But what we often fail to miss is that the same pride is just as present in our own hearts when we use others to feel a sense of success, achievement, or worth.  This may be through a spouse, or as I am finding out more and more each day, through babies.  I had no idea the competition was on even before I got pregnant.  Apparently mommy wars really begin the moment you consider having children.  From that point onward, being first and best is the goal.

I recently was standing with a group of young moms, listening to them talk about their children.  They were all convinced their child was a genius.  Of course, deep down, I’m just sure mine will be, too.  I know I have yet to experience mother’s pride since our baby is still in utero, but I made a mental note how harmful these conversations can be.  While some mom’s are competing over whose baby is the smartest, cutest, you-name it, others are just happy their baby made it into the world.  Some babies are born without the abilities to do the things moms often brag about.  And that has to be hard for those moms.

This morning as I was thinking about my own temptation to be competitive, I realized that when women are competing over their babies–and children– they really have lost sight of the personhood of their baby.  Instead of viewing each child made in God’s image with a soul and person, a child is being used as a vehicle for self-exaltation.  Comparison among women is really just that– a fight over who will sit on the throne in mommy-world.  We lose sight that it is God who plans our individual paths and God alone who should sit on the throne.  It was a good lesson for me today as I continue getting everything ready for our baby, a little soul we are entrusted with to nurture but not to use.

Paranoia and Motherhood

I have been told that if you’re a worrier now, just wait until you have children.  Until I became pregnant, I never really understood.  Now I’m looking around the apartment for all possible dangers, including the bookcase I need my husband to secure against the wall.  Horror stories abound, but even more so, words like “maybe” and “possibly” become truth facts to us, stirring up paranoia.

So I’m going to do it.  I’m going to write on a taboo subject.  It seems illegal now to not breastfeed, but I’ll exercise my freedom of speech on the blogsphere…

For various reasons (some too personal to share) the hubby and I decided not to breastfeed baby #1.  I knew going into this that I was surely going to be lampooned for such a decision.  My mom said it used to be the opposite– if you breastfed, people looked down on you.  Now, if you use formula, you are a bad mommy who is giving her child “Sub-par nutrition.”  Any yes, someone actually said that to me.

Let’s face it: we all know breastmilk is the natural route and God was good when He created the ability to produce food from our own bodies for our babies.  There are great benefits to breastfeeding.  Even though I’m not on the wagon this time around, I will surely admit to that and encourage other women to breastfeed if they desire.  But formula is still nutritious for babies.  So is breast “best”?  It depends.

So I decided to do my own little survey simply based on personal experience by mommies I have encountered.  I have noticed that some women love breastfeeding their babies.  They love encouraging others to do the same.  They use stats about how your child may be smarter later because of it.  But is that always the case?  No.  Other variables are often not included in breastfeeding research results.  It’s possible that breastfed babies more likely stay home with mothers who have more time to teach their children to track objects and learn their ABC’s.  Babies on formula may more often be taken to day care where they do not get individual attention in the same way.  They may not develop certain cognitive skills as quickly.  Does the food factor in with this?  Not really.  There are always multiple variables that need to be considered before going on a crusade.  It’s the same with the possibility that children have less healthy immune systems if they are formula-fed.  Yet we all know those kids who were breastfed past one year old and they are sick all the time.  Then there is little Tommy who was on formula and has an iron-strong immune system.  How can this be?  We have to consider once again variables.  Is breastmilk better?  Anything natural is typically better for you (except poisonous mushrooms), but it does not guarantee good health.  Breastfed and formula-fed babies alike both sometimes sadly die of SIDS.  To scare mothers into breastfeeding because of “maybe” ideas is fear-driven and possibly, manipulative.

It has been important for me to slow down and look at reality.  Those who are forceful about breastfeeding have told me “maybe” statistics–such as, breastfeeding moms may be less likely to develop breast cancer later.  But those are actually just theories with multiple variables not really considered.

I do know one thing.  There are mothers who about tore their hair out attempting to breastfeed, but for various reasons, it was difficult or impossible for them.  I have spoken with and heard of many moms who felt extreme guilt for not breastfeeding.  And why shouldn’t they?  When a midwife tells me that she wouldn’t deliver my baby if I wasn’t willing to breastfeed (because I would be giving him “sub-par nutrition”), women have crossed the line from sensible advice to moralizing personal preferences.  It is amazing how much fear and guilt is driven by women making their personal preferences law.  We must remember that the Bible gives us truth for what a good mother is, and it really has nothing to do with cloth or disposable diapers.

Wonderful Everyday World

I asked Stephanie Kostreva, my sister, to write a post on the true face of marriage.  She and her husband Sam have been married since April 2005, and they now have two daughters (ages 2 years and almost four months).  She blogs about her family life over at The Laundry Line.

“Love is an ideal thing, marriage a real thing.” – Goethe

Marriage. What is it really like? Is what we believe and imagine it to be only an ideal? How do we know if we have a realistic view of marriage?

Five years ago, while sitting in a college class on marriage and family counseling, the professor started talking about how many people have an idealistic view of what marriage will be like. He gave an example from his own life. When he and his wife were first married, they were new college graduates and he was working on a master’s degree. One day, when he came home from work, he found her crying in the living room. When he asked her what was wrong, she blurted out that marriage was just not what she had expected it to be. She thought they would spend all their evenings holding hands on the couch and talking for hours, just as they did when they dated. Instead, he was always busy studying! Where were the long walks, the endless conversations, the starry-eyed gazes over dinner in the dining common, and the poetic daily expressions of devotion? When the teacher finished, all the students laughed at the idealistic view, but really, isn’t that how many people hope marriage to be? All of the romance, but none of the mundane?

Married life is in fact quite common, everyday, familiar routine. It is making lunches, crying babies, fixing the flat tire, running errands, and exhaustion at the end of the day. It is hello and goodbye kisses, quick moments snatched to give a hug, and sneaking loving glances and hand squeezes under the dinner table as the kids chatter in the background. But that is the beauty of it. It is comfortable, familiar, and secure. Underneath the commonness of married life should be a foundation of love – not the fairytale romance kind – but deep, unconditional, secure love that makes the common beautiful and special. It is the day-to-day living where you are tested, tried, and grow. It is choosing to love even when you just aren’t feeling the romance. It is choosing to be kind even when you feel cranky, overtired, or angry. And it is choosing to be patient, humble, and loving when your spouse is cranky, overtired, or angry. Marriage is one of God’s methods for sanctification on the road of life. It will not always be easy.

Don’t get me wrong – marriage still contains the fireworks and romance which are every girl’s dreams. Just don’t expect fireworks all the time. Life cannot be a glamorous, passionate, love story all the time! And that is okay! A lot of the time, it is more like two good friends with deep love and faithful hearts making their way through life together. Often the romance shows up in the simple, sweet moments of life. Like a line from the movie Yours, Mine, and Ours, “Life isn’t a love in, it’s the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and… ground round instead of roast beef. …. It’s getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.”

Shepherding a Child’s Heart Pt. 2- Worshippers

photo from ecoscraps.com

During the second session of the Shepherding a Child’s Heart seminar, Dr. Tripp transitioned from formative instruction to what children naturally gravitate toward:worship. He stressed the point that we all are made to worship- the question is, who or what will we worship?

First, Dr. Tripp pointed out idols that exist in children’s hearts (and adults, too!) He listed:
-Power and influence (ex: bossy 4 year old who tells everyone what to do)
-Pride and performance (ex: plays a sport for the attention and glory)
-Pleasure and sensuality (ex: always looking for the next thrilling experience)
-Possessions (ex: possessive over his belongings and always wanting more)
-Fear of man (ex: more loyal toward bad friends than honest with parents)
-Desire to be approved (ex: always having to be up to date on the latest ‘it’ thing)

As Jenny mentioned in her last post, Dr. Tripp stated that, “You must be dazzled by God to dazzle your kids [about God].” And in order for children to see sin as it is and run from it, first a parent has to have a proper view of God. As Tripp noted, “What we do with God determines how we interpret life.”

Tripp listed Psalm 145, Psalm 16, and other psalms to help parents teach their children that true joy is found in knowing God. When a child grows up with this view, he will be prepared to obey Scripture because He knows God and desires Him. He delights in Him.

One of the most impacting statements to me during the seminar is that, “Rather than helping kids see the glory of God, we polish their idols.” He gave an example of a child he saw at church in a baseball uniform. He first assumed the child was wearing it to show it off to his friends. However, toward the end of the sermon he saw this child and his family leave during the service to go to a baseball game. Tripp noted that if the child grows up with a dazzling view of God, “it will be in spite of his parent’s actions, not because of [their actions].” Often adults wrongly prioritize in their child’s life, which results in God being somewhere else besides first place.

Though I do not have children, I teach youth aged students every week! I also have young nieces. This was a very sobering message and an excellent reminder to whimsically teach the Glory of God and the joys that come from knowing Him, and not polish the idols.